"Running is the quickest endorphin hit I can get. I like to do it really early in the morning, before everyone gets up. It gives me a clear head and sort of resets the clock. It’s like, 'OK, I got that out of the way. Now I can deal with people.'"
Julie Bowen
For all my flaws, paranoia and insecurities. x
It’s Been A While
I feel a bit like that guy or girl you once swiped right for on tinder. You know the one you had really high hopes for, who woos you initially with nice words, goes out with you for a nice dinner, promises to text you in the morning and then you never hear from them again.
Ok, a lot of you wouldn’t have gotten that reference cause you’ve been long married, or never used a dating app, and while I’ve enjoyed jet setting the world, having only just returned from Thailand, I feel like battling an injury and having my release taken away from me has me feeling far from relaxed.
So rather than front up about it and write about it here, I’ve sort of hidden it, signed up for a marathon I probably shouldn’t have, gritted the teeth and pretended that everything was alright, when really it isn’t.
My first session back from Thailand fluctuated between uncomfortable and agony, and every single run since has been somewhere between that, there hasn’t been any comfort, and I’m hoping a physio appointment next week will diagnose this mystery adductor/groin pain I’ve had since my return from South East Asia.
It’s probably my ability to put pain in the back of my mind that’s got me through a lot my runs, despite the last month being non-existent for kilometres, and getting plenty of rest this searing pain in my adductor/groin has persisted.
It’s not all doom and gloom though, rather than mope around about it, I’ve tried to focus my energy on getting up for Kowen in a couple of weeks, some days the pain is just uncomfortable and I feel great, other days it’s not so good, so I work on strength, and as recently as today I was on an assault bike.
It’s got more of a nerve feeling, but who knows, I’m hoping the physio next week has more answers than I do. But why did I feel like I had to hide away for a period of time, and stop my fingers hitting the keyboard? Societal expectations.
I’d almost built this persona of being a robot, a guy my weight running ultras, running for a hundred days straight, unbreakable, until you aren’t.
For All The Wrong Reasons
The title of this chapter is very close to the title of the fifth studio album from much maligned Canadian rock band Nickleback, why they’re so despised in certain corners of the world I’ll never really understand, but this blog isn’t about Nickleback, so I’ll continue.
The running world can sometimes feel like this vacuum that sucks you in, and I feel like to a degree it actually hurt my preparation for some races, because rather than stick to a plan I was running for the kudos of others.
It took a recent chat with Maree Connor to come to realise I’d gone away from what I actually loved about running, which was self improvement. Since I got into running at the start of the pandemic, it had only ever been to challenge myself in different ways, initially it was to run a fast five kilometre against my favourite football players, then it was chasing a sub-2 hour marathon, to running my first marathon, to running my first trail marathon, to the step up to ultra, and then in December taking on the century at Ultra Trail Kosciuszko.
It was never about anyone else, I was never intending to compete with others, I was only in it for me, and to support those around me, but for some reason earlier this year I started scrolling Strava, and the kudos would soon follow.
I was obsessed and against perhaps some good advice I ran my biggest ever week, when I should’ve spent one of those days resting, instead I climbed, and surged my way to big weeks, and I loved it. The instant gratification you get with seeing your phone light up from a growing number of kudos, could only be compared to the instant gratification I used to get from binge eating.
It’s a strange feeling, because the reality is it takes someone half a second or barely that to give kudos, and most times the kudos you’re receiving is part of just a mega scroll the person has, so in the past few weeks while injured I’ve found it really hard to ween myself off the app, but it’s been a good thing to stop comparison to others, because it’s a thief of joy.
As Maree Connor says ‘I run for me’.
That’s what I need to get back to, and I’m hoping once I feel more confident that I’m not getting referred pain from my groin that’s what I’ll be doing.
It’s Not All That Bad
That last chapter may have felt like a big swipe at people who post on Strava, but it’s not that at all. It’s a great tool to help measure your growth as a runner, but I feel sometimes we can get far too competitive when there really isn’t any need to be.
The run happened and millions of them happen each and every day regardless of whether Strava says they do or not, I even did the unthinkable a couple of weeks ago and went for a run without recording it, I know the shock horror, but it’s been healthy to feel like I don’t have to have a reliance on going out for kudos.
The truth is I don’t know how this injury started, people might say I had a couple of big races recently and that’s true, but I also took a fair amount of time, a fortnight between my big races off, which is standard, especially for a small ultra.
I only went back to full training when I felt better, but sometimes niggles just happen, I think I’m frustrated because I have some big races coming up and I’ve had to adjust the training schedule, does it scare me the AURA Championships here in Canberra are barely four months away and I don’t even know if I will get there? Absolutely.
But if it doesn’t happen that’s life, I can still hike, I can still move, I can still be a friendly cheerleader for my running friends, and at the day that’s far more than other people can dream of, I received good advice from a lot of people recently, and while I might feel frustrated now, I know I have a long way to go in my running life.
No DNF Hangover
I did something I’d never done at the Gumbaby, I didn’t finish the race. A big fat DNF!
In the moment it was awful and I’ve already written about how in that moment I just wanted to crawl under a rock and dig a big hole, but it’s just part of the running journey.
You’ve probably never really pushed yourself to your limit if you haven’t DNF’ed or come close to it. I’d had some great escapes a couple of times, on this occasion I just couldn’t get going.
Shit happens, I’ve well and truly moved on. Life is too short to cry over not finishing, it’s just another opportunity to learn and get better.
When Will I Be Back To Full Strength?
This question is so hard to answer without knowing fully what is wrong with my groin, the weird thing is I’ve been able to play football almost painless, but can’t move at more than 80 per cent pace.
I’m looking forward to answers, but until then the Ski Erg and Assault Bike, along with weight training have become my friend, and that has had far more benefits than I could’ve dreamed.
Along with that I’m focussed on controlling what I can, and with my diet finally in check I’m pumped to see where I’ll be in a couple of months, even if it means I’m not running the Canberra 100 because I’m injured, while it hurts to write that, it’s the reality of the situation, and not one I enjoy having to consider.
Peak2Soon Pod is Firing On All Cylinders
Having more time because I’m not spending 12-16 hours a week running at the moment has allowed me to get some pretty cool prospectives, one of them from a runner I’ve respected for a long time, and one I have big respect for after racing in the same race as him in The Archie.
I mentioned Maree Connor before, but I’m so fortunate that she took time out before Badwater 135 to talk to me. She’s one of Australia’s best ultra runners, and I know I’ve spoken to some of the most respected already, but Maree is one I’ve put on a pedestal for a while, and they say sometimes don’t meet your idols, but I say do it, talk to them and you’ll just get a greater appreciation for them.
This was the case with Maree, as humble as they come and I absolutely loved this chat.
Maree Connor Peak2Soon Pod Episode
If you’re ever down in Albury, a run with DAWN League is a must. I chatted with James Sieber in my latest Podcast Episode and he was an absolute joy. This year’s Archie winner talked downhill skiing, moving down under for love and blocks of wood.
This was a lot of fun and highly recommend for your next long run either of these chats to get you through!
James Sieber Peak2Soon Pod Episode
Oh and cause you made it this far. Cassandra and I are getting Duke a little sister.
Baby Luna.
Thanks for sharing Brent! Ive got an insta post planned in my head about this. Emotions are for expression not suppression :). I hope this blog now helps you write more openly about the ups and downs of running.
How did it go with your physio?
It sounds like, while not running, the bike, ski and strength training will make you a better runner 🤗.
Great write up Brent! I'm still looking forward to seeing you out there whenever or where ever, if its just spectating, at a race or in the street you'll get kudos from me anyway (even though i'm not so good at giving kudos)